By Liam O’Driscoll ’21
With the first quarter coming to a close and a collective feeling of relief (plus a healthy dose of apathy) permeating through the fine halls of Salesian High School, it is important for students to look toward the second quarter and see what we can do in order to improve upon our previous mistakes.
Well, for this you have come to exactly the right place! Being Salesian High School’s resident astrology expert–it’s amazing what one Wikipedia article can teach you–it is my responsibility to help you anticipate exactly what challenges lay ahead in your second quarter. So without further ado, the horoscopes:
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The symbol for Aquarius is the water bearer. Those born under this sign will receive glowing marks for their first few grades, but following an incident with a matchbox, tweezers, and a pair of bowling shoes, may expect a downward spiral that culminates in complete mediocrity and dissatisfaction with the second quarter.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The symbol for Pisces is a pair of fish, a deeply religious symbol in Christianity. This means that, following a slew of blasphemous remarks in religion, those born under this sign can expect to fail at least one class in their second quarter, and be required to write a mandatory apology letter to be given before the end of the week.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The symbol for Aries is the ram. About a fourth of the way through the second quarter, those living under this sign will, after a long night of finishing cornell, wake up in a frantic state during religion class and see the surreal vision of a ram tearing through the room. Losing all of their sensibilities, they will start running all over the classroom only to be subdued after tripping over their untied shoes. Those born under this sign will promptly be committed to a physiatric ward, and our thoughts and prayers constantly go towards their well being and good health.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The business world smiles upon those born under this sign. The symbol for Taurus, the bull, is also the image of progress in the nation’s economy. Those living under this sign can look onto the stock market and get an accurate projection of their success in the quarter.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The symbol for Gemini is the twins. Geminis in Salesian can expect to bomb the very first test that they take no matter how long they studied the night before. This ushers in a sevre and total plumet in their grade average and will be the source of every single problem later on in their life.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The symbol for Cancer is crab. Those born under this sign can expect a perfectly average second quarter, only adding to the many more months of dread, boredom, and piercing melancholy that one must count off before their graduation.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
There’s no point in even trying. Failure in this marking period is inevitable. For those born under this sign I recommend beginning to look at the most convenient mode of transportation to the nearest public school.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The symbol for Virgo is the maiden, or virgin. Those born under this sign can expect resounding success in their second quarter grades, making them the envy of all others in school and resulting in a series of amateur hit-attempts all around New Rochelle
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The symbol of Libra is the balance, or scale. Those living under this sign have a 50% chance of a tremendously successful second quarter, and a 50% chance of being Spellman’s newest transfer student next semester.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The symbol for Scorpio is, unsurprisingly, the scorpion. In light of this, the horoscope for Scorpio becomes pretty obvious and there is no need for me to explain it in this article.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The symbol for Sagittarius is the archer. For those born under this sign, a promising second quarter will be cut short after the tragic collapse of the art clubs newest sculpture, “Yellow Refrigerator,” caused concussions among several Sagittarius students, disabling them for more than a week.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The symbol for Capricorn is the goat. Those born under this sign should lock their doors at night and keep a weapon–preferably a firearm but a switchblade and or an aluminum baseball bat are good substitutes–under their pillow at all times. Capricorns should probably avoid going to school altogether, as the surface world is terrifying and out to get them.